7/22/12

I can't say where it came from, if it was learned from family or just a part of my mental makeup.  I have never been comfortable eating desert first.  Sure, I've had a treat before a meal numerous times, but as a rule, main course before desert has been a way of life for me.

This order of things has permeated my life, and I have found myself struggling with its current incarnation of work before play.

As card carrying member of the 'I may get older, but I refuse to grow up' brigade (local 1965) I have always been able to mentally kick off my shoes and run thru the grass of care free, deal with it later relaxation, knowing that I could always deal with the 'Real World' and all of its issues...later.

Lately, my standing in the organization has been coming into question. The specter of the real world, with its responsibilities and seemingly never ending list of known and unknown items on the checklist that we all deal with, has walked up to the kid in me, punched him in the gut, and taken away his milk money. He is standing above the once smiling fun seeker, and has said in no uncertain terms " you'll play when your work is done...ALL of your work."

I'm not just talking about work in the classic sense. That a part of it,sure, but I have always treated my career with a level of respect, never taking it for granted. It is everything, and most specifically, the massive inter-connectivity off the items on that cosmic 'to-do' list that has put this giant grey wall around the 'relax' portion of me.

And since the kid in me has been put in the corner, I'm not real fond of the me that is out in the world.

Self confidence has been replace with self doubt, joy with dread, the promise of a new day with the fear of the next problem.

Even the simplest of tasks, like fixing a leaky sink, are mentally punctured by the worry of what will break next.

I know the sum of who we are is not just a mathematical aggregate of our individual actions (and reactions), that we are less than our greatest achievements and more than our worst failures.

Not to go all Annie, but the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm taking the kid out of the corner, reintroducing him to my kids, and going to Disneyland.

Written on7/22/12