7/22/12

I can't say where it came from, if it was learned from family or just a part of my mental makeup.  I have never been comfortable eating desert first.  Sure, I've had a treat before a meal numerous times, but as a rule, main course before desert has been a way of life for me.

This order of things has permeated my life, and I have found myself struggling with its current incarnation of work before play.

As card carrying member of the 'I may get older, but I refuse to grow up' brigade (local 1965) I have always been able to mentally kick off my shoes and run thru the grass of care free, deal with it later relaxation, knowing that I could always deal with the 'Real World' and all of its issues...later.

Lately, my standing in the organization has been coming into question. The specter of the real world, with its responsibilities and seemingly never ending list of known and unknown items on the checklist that we all deal with, has walked up to the kid in me, punched him in the gut, and taken away his milk money. He is standing above the once smiling fun seeker, and has said in no uncertain terms " you'll play when your work is done...ALL of your work."

I'm not just talking about work in the classic sense. That a part of it,sure, but I have always treated my career with a level of respect, never taking it for granted. It is everything, and most specifically, the massive inter-connectivity off the items on that cosmic 'to-do' list that has put this giant grey wall around the 'relax' portion of me.

And since the kid in me has been put in the corner, I'm not real fond of the me that is out in the world.

Self confidence has been replace with self doubt, joy with dread, the promise of a new day with the fear of the next problem.

Even the simplest of tasks, like fixing a leaky sink, are mentally punctured by the worry of what will break next.

I know the sum of who we are is not just a mathematical aggregate of our individual actions (and reactions), that we are less than our greatest achievements and more than our worst failures.

Not to go all Annie, but the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm taking the kid out of the corner, reintroducing him to my kids, and going to Disneyland.

Written on7/22/12

Koyaanisqatsi ... "Unbalanced Life"

Back in college, before Netflix  or iTunes, watching a movie at home meant going to a video store, perusing the shelves for something that you had missed in the movie theaters, and trying to find something that all of the roommates could agree on.  Some days, the selection was better than others.

On of the days where all of the copies of "Porkey 11 - This time with less sauce", or some other equally vapid 80's teen-splotation flick were all gone, we spied a simple black VHS box with one word, emblazoned on the cover...

Koyaanisqatsi

Being only mildly educated college students, we of course thought that this was some very cool, underground kung fu extravaganza, and perfect for the night's viewing.

Not a kung fu movie....

After nearly 90 minutes of "waiting for the ass kicking to commence" the credits rolled, and we sat in dumbfounded silence. 

Having never seen an 'art movie', I had no frame of reference for what I had just seen.  Phillip Glass' haunting repetitive soundtrack hit a chord that I didn't know I had. The frantic visual landscpe of the film etched a groove in my mind that I still can feel to this day.

But why? 

If you take the film at face value, it is a series of time lapse and slow motion footage set to a droning, repetitive electronic soundtrack.  No dialog, no discernible plot.  Just image and sound.

The word Koyaanisqatsi means "unbalanced life" in the Hopi language.  Numerous time in my life, I have though of  this film, and wondered if, as art has a way of doing, this film was a mirror for me to look at myself, my own unbalanced life.

I know I'm not the only person who has felt that they were on a never ending treadmill, a Road to Nowhere, to pull from the Talking Heads.  That no matter what you got accomplished today, that tomorrow was just going to jump on you and ride you till you drop...and then get up the next day and do it again.

Most of the time, we just keep moving because, well, that's what we do.  

Sometime, you just have to stop.  There is no finish line, there is no 'everything is done', and that ok.

Because if we don't stop every once and awhile, and appreciate what we have, what have done, love those around us, and most importantly allow ourselves to be loved,  we end up  with the weight of the world on our very small insignificant shoulders. That weight can crush the spirit, wound the soul and make us feel that we are lees that we really are.

Do what you can, accept that you cannot do it all.  Revel in your achievements, be humble in your shortfalls, but don't let either one define you.

 

KOYAANISQATSI

Talking Heads - "Road To Nowhere"