7/22/12

I can't say where it came from, if it was learned from family or just a part of my mental makeup.  I have never been comfortable eating desert first.  Sure, I've had a treat before a meal numerous times, but as a rule, main course before desert has been a way of life for me.

This order of things has permeated my life, and I have found myself struggling with its current incarnation of work before play.

As card carrying member of the 'I may get older, but I refuse to grow up' brigade (local 1965) I have always been able to mentally kick off my shoes and run thru the grass of care free, deal with it later relaxation, knowing that I could always deal with the 'Real World' and all of its issues...later.

Lately, my standing in the organization has been coming into question. The specter of the real world, with its responsibilities and seemingly never ending list of known and unknown items on the checklist that we all deal with, has walked up to the kid in me, punched him in the gut, and taken away his milk money. He is standing above the once smiling fun seeker, and has said in no uncertain terms " you'll play when your work is done...ALL of your work."

I'm not just talking about work in the classic sense. That a part of it,sure, but I have always treated my career with a level of respect, never taking it for granted. It is everything, and most specifically, the massive inter-connectivity off the items on that cosmic 'to-do' list that has put this giant grey wall around the 'relax' portion of me.

And since the kid in me has been put in the corner, I'm not real fond of the me that is out in the world.

Self confidence has been replace with self doubt, joy with dread, the promise of a new day with the fear of the next problem.

Even the simplest of tasks, like fixing a leaky sink, are mentally punctured by the worry of what will break next.

I know the sum of who we are is not just a mathematical aggregate of our individual actions (and reactions), that we are less than our greatest achievements and more than our worst failures.

Not to go all Annie, but the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm taking the kid out of the corner, reintroducing him to my kids, and going to Disneyland.

Written on7/22/12

Koyaanisqatsi ... "Unbalanced Life"

Back in college, before Netflix  or iTunes, watching a movie at home meant going to a video store, perusing the shelves for something that you had missed in the movie theaters, and trying to find something that all of the roommates could agree on.  Some days, the selection was better than others.

On of the days where all of the copies of "Porkey 11 - This time with less sauce", or some other equally vapid 80's teen-splotation flick were all gone, we spied a simple black VHS box with one word, emblazoned on the cover...

Koyaanisqatsi

Being only mildly educated college students, we of course thought that this was some very cool, underground kung fu extravaganza, and perfect for the night's viewing.

Not a kung fu movie....

After nearly 90 minutes of "waiting for the ass kicking to commence" the credits rolled, and we sat in dumbfounded silence. 

Having never seen an 'art movie', I had no frame of reference for what I had just seen.  Phillip Glass' haunting repetitive soundtrack hit a chord that I didn't know I had. The frantic visual landscpe of the film etched a groove in my mind that I still can feel to this day.

But why? 

If you take the film at face value, it is a series of time lapse and slow motion footage set to a droning, repetitive electronic soundtrack.  No dialog, no discernible plot.  Just image and sound.

The word Koyaanisqatsi means "unbalanced life" in the Hopi language.  Numerous time in my life, I have though of  this film, and wondered if, as art has a way of doing, this film was a mirror for me to look at myself, my own unbalanced life.

I know I'm not the only person who has felt that they were on a never ending treadmill, a Road to Nowhere, to pull from the Talking Heads.  That no matter what you got accomplished today, that tomorrow was just going to jump on you and ride you till you drop...and then get up the next day and do it again.

Most of the time, we just keep moving because, well, that's what we do.  

Sometime, you just have to stop.  There is no finish line, there is no 'everything is done', and that ok.

Because if we don't stop every once and awhile, and appreciate what we have, what have done, love those around us, and most importantly allow ourselves to be loved,  we end up  with the weight of the world on our very small insignificant shoulders. That weight can crush the spirit, wound the soul and make us feel that we are lees that we really are.

Do what you can, accept that you cannot do it all.  Revel in your achievements, be humble in your shortfalls, but don't let either one define you.

 

KOYAANISQATSI

Talking Heads - "Road To Nowhere"

 

(A few more than ) 28 Days...Later

“Grappling with fate is like meeting an expert wrestler: to escape, you have to accept the fall when you are thrown. The only thing that counts is whether you get back up.”
― Deng Ming-Dao, Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony

As it has been about a month since I last "tripped the blog fantastic", 2 movies with similar titles and vastly different stories came to mind:

28 Days  A dramady starring Sandra Bullock - "A big-city newspaper columnist is forced to enter a drug and alcohol rehab center after ruining her sister's wedding and crashing a stolen limousine." 

and

28 Days Later A British sci-fi horror flic  -  "Four weeks after a mysterious, incurable virus spreads throughout the UK, a handful of survivors try to find sanctuary."

The last month has been a whirlwind of new experiences filtering thru a lifetime of previous experiences.  It's been like watching a movie of a story you wrote about an event in your own life, acted out by new characters. Everything seems REALLY familiar, but there is a slight disconnect, like the bad dubbing of a kung fu move from the 70's. All the words are there, but I found myself fighting to understand.

It has taken the better part of a month, the support of a great family and the guidance of a great new mentor to help me get out of my own way, relax and realize that I HAVE been here before.  The mental 'muscle memory' is there, I just have to do what I do and be who I am.

I got back up...

Kinda like a rehab patient, and the survivors of a zombie apocalypse...excepted for the all of the living dead.

  

My Life as an 80's movie music montage

I am unapologetic in my love of pop culture, the cheesier the better. There are few culture touchstones of cheesy that can top the ooie-gooieness of the music montages found in the movies of the 1980's.  No matter how on the nose the song  - Walking on Sunshine from seminal underdog makes good  Michael J. Fox classic "The Secret of My Success" - to the   hauntingly silly Meet Me Halfway from the wonderfully awful arm wrestling epic starring Sly Stallone "Over the Top", these bite size chunks of gouda are, well, just too good.

During my run this morning, I had such an over whelming rush of...I don't know -  Emotions? Endorphins? Senility? Joy? Peace? Contentment? Calm? - that I felt as though I was in my own montage. 

The thoughts running thru my mind were so jumbled and euphonious (look it up!) that at times I just stopped running and began to laugh. 

All the elements in my life seem to be falling into this wonderful rhythm.  Things that in the past would cause me anxiety and panic now are just challenges to overcome. The small pleasures in life now are like the biggest present on Christmas morning.   My family brings me more joy that any man deserves.  My kids, despite my fumbling missteps as a parent, are growing into wonderful, caring, compassionate, funny, smart, beautiful humans.  My beautiful wife is my rock, loving me unconditionally in the face of my oddness.  I marvel every day that she said yes.

Cliches exist.  They are there so that the poet in all of us, when at a loss for our own words, can latch on to a saying to express the complexities of our emotions. Deal with it. 

Life is Good!

And now, for your ear worms and flashbacks for the week, enjoy a small collection of music and video cliches.

Get busy living or get busy...blogging?!?

I've been living!  The pure energy of doing what you love and having that energy spill over into all  aspects of your life is truly the best feeling in the world. 

Now I need to reign in this rediscovered energy, channel it, focus it. 

Thanks Ferris (and Morgan Freeman as Red in the Shawshank Redemption) .

Nurture the Expression

Disney is known for many things...some good, some bad.  Regardless of your own take, I saw something at the park this past weekend, and I think they really highlighted something wonderful.

We sat and watched a Jr. High string orchestra perform for about 30 minutes.  Wonderful musicians, great music, proud parents.  Just  wonderful.

What struck me as we walked away, was that there was a group of people - students, parents, educators, administrators, and others that I cannot think of, that had worked together to allow these young people to express themselves.  Yes it was music, classical music,  a form of expression that has been acceptable for many, many years,  but it got me thinking about all the other ways we express our creativity.

Disney provided a stage, but more than that, they exposed a group of people to creativity and expression.  My hope is that others saw and heard these kids today, and it got them to think about how they can help the kids in their own areas express themselves.  Music, theater, dance, fine art, sports, math, science, hell, ANYTHING...help the people you know express themselves in anyway you can.

You may not understand what they are trying to say, but it is imperative the let them say it!

Brand new App for my 'Smudges

When I started writing this blog, I told you all (all of you that are...interested?) that I may stick my foot in it on occasion, or need to be put back in line, or as my lack of postings over the past few weeks has shown, drop the ball and not write as often as I had planed.  

Well, I'm calling myself out, for the best possible of reasons.

I started a brand new job this past week.  As with every new adventure, I have been buried with the discovery of how things work, where things are, who is who, who does what, and most importantly, how can I be the best possible 'me'.

In just two short days, it has been very apparent that I have found a great new professional home. The energy, the drive and the desire of everyone that I have met and dealt with has been phenomenal.  It has been exhilarating to get back in the game (pun very intended), and I am hard pressed to remember a time in the recent past that I have been as genuinely....excited.(non family events/interactions not included)

I still will write...promise.  Or threat, depending on your point of view.